Right at the beginning of the virus, many of us turned to each other and said, prepare to be very disappointed in some people’s behaviour in the weeks to come. There will be lots of keeping calm and carrying on, small acts of kindness and generosity, and there will also be many Corona Annoyers.
And we were not wrong. Right on cue there were the bejewelled mask wearers, the people who couldn’t wait to get themselves the latest hot accessory, not for a minute thinking that there was something intrinsically tasteless about a blinged-up, designer protective mask.
“Don’t you think my eyes look extra-good in this,” is what Gwynnie was thinking when she got her mask on, and took a picture.
Fancy mask-wearing is first on the irritation list: here are all the other ways in which the Corona Annoyers are getting on our nerves:
The “I’m Still Hugging” bunch. You know. You’re doing your best to keep your distance, elbow-bump, foot-tap, Namaste and so on, but this lot literally can’t bear not to hug: they are just too warm, too loving, too human, too sensual, actually, if you want to go there – so bad luck, you. This is doubly annoying as it puts the contact resister (us) in the position of cold Nurse Ratched type even though we are actually being a lot more caring. Grrr.
The hoarders. Obviously. We deplore your hoarding. But also we are really troubled by the loo paper obsession. Of all the things we might hoard (and don’t think we haven’t given it some thought) loo paper is not even in the top three.
Let’s just get to the bottom of this anxiety once and for all, shall we? Why fear running out? Don’t you know you can wipe your behind with any number of things you find lying about the average house?
If you don’t have access to ivy leaves, ferns or similar, there’s greaseproof paper (not ideal, but exactly like Jeyes sheets, back in the day); J-Cloths (can always recycle); but for preference I’d leave a stack of old paperback thrillers in a handy place, or even this article.
The “I’ve got a bit of a sore throat” lot. Have you? Really? Or have you got what we’ve all had since the beginning of March, which is phantom, off-and-on coronavirus?
There isn’t a person in the country who doesn’t suspect, a couple of times a day, that they’re coming down with it… and that’s normal. It’s just not necessary to talk about it.
The “It’s Particularly Bad for Us”-ers. Because we have kids doing GCSEs; or hair that really needs the roots topping up every four weeks; or a chateau in the Dordogne that we literally can’t get to. Don’t want to hear that stuff now. No, no, no.
The coronasplainers. Come on! Don’t be telling us the facts – it’s airborne! You might not have any symptoms! The low-percentage hand sanitisers are worse than useless! – that every single person knows, with the possible exception of Donald Trump.
It can only get worse.